Patient: Doctor, I feel so sick I want to die!
Doctor: Don't worry; Just leave that job to me.
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Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
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A dentist’s patient was grumbling about the fee. “Two hundred rupees for pulling out a tooth!,”
She exclaimed. “And it’s only a minute’s work.”
“Well, if you wish,” the dentist said, “I’ll it out slowly.”
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Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn’t go near them!
Shopkeeper: Well, isn’t that good for mice?
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Patient: “How can I ever repay you for your kindness to me?”
Doctor: “By cheque, money order, or cash.”
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Lady to the doctor over the phone: “Doctor, I beg of you, please prescribes me something immediately to reduce my weight. My husband has given me a wonderful birthday present, and I can’t get into it. “
Doctor:” Just comes over here tomorrow, and I shall give you a prescription. Then you will soon be able to wear your wonderful new dress.”
Lady: “Who said anything about a dress? I am talking of car.”
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Man: "Doctor, Doctor! My wooden leg is giving me a headache!"
Doctor: "Why?"
Man: "Because my wife keeps hitting me on the head with it."
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A man visited a headmaster who was playing chess with his dog. "Your dog must be must be very intelligent," said the man.
"Not really," said the headmaster. "I've won three games out of four."
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Assistant: Doctor the invisible man has come for his check up.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
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"Doctor I keep stealing things. What can I do?"
"Try to resist the temptation but if you can't, get me a new television"
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PATIENT: DOCTOR I AM FEELING SEVER ITCHING, GIVE ME A MEDICINE PLEASE.
DOCTOR: TAKE THIS SLIP TO THE MEDICAL SHOP
PATIENT: IF I USE THIS MEDICINE, I CAN SOLVE THIS ITCHING.
DOCTOR: I GAVE THIS FOR GROWING YOUR NAILS FOR SCRATCHING.
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Patient: Why does everyone ignore me?
Doctor: Next Please!!!!!!
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Patient:"I want to live doctor when I should take the medicine".
Doctor:"So remember to take the medicine exactly before you feel the pain".
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One day a man saw a beggar on the street. He went to him and said "If you stop begging I will pay you Rs 1000 per month".
In reply the begger said "Come and beg with me and I will pay you Rs5000 per month
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A boy to the doctor, “Doctor, Doctor I have lost my memory."
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The boy said, “When did what happen?"
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Patient: Doctor, One of my eyes is different from the other!
Doctor: Really, which one
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FATHER TO SON-: SON IF YOU GOT GOOD MARKS, I WILL GIVE YOU A NEW CYCLE.
SON -: DAD IF I GOT LESS MARKS IN CLASS WHAT WILL YOU GIVE ME.
FATHER-: A RIKSHAW
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Doctor: what is your problem?
Patient: I have only one Problem in my life, that is, when I walk my legs are not joined, it is always one forwards and one backwards.
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Man: Doctor, whenever I drink my coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. What should I do?
Doctor: Just remove the spoon from your cup.
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Man in Delhi: I have a severe foot ache. Doctor after examining says-"You should walk for 4 km everyday".
After a month the doctor receives a call from the same patient saying, “I am now in Agra, how much more should I walk?"
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Patient: Doctor, I see double
Doctor: sit on the chair please
Patient: which one
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Doctor: tell me how many fingers are these?
Patient: thirteen.
Doctor: I don't understand your eyes are weak or your arithmetic?
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Once, before an operation of a patient the doctor was holding a garland in his hands.
Patient: Doctor why are you holding a garland in your hand?
Doctor: If the operation is successful, will wear it to myself or a failure i wear it for you
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What is a definition of a doctor? A person who kills the problem in your body with pills and then kills you with his bills.
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Patient: "Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out; can you give me anything to keep it in?"
Doctor: "Yes, here is a paper bag!"
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Nurse: "Wake up man"
Patient: "Why what's the matter"
Nurse: "Nothing, I just forgot to give you the prescribed sleeping pills".
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Son: Daddy why do you wear a mask in Operation Theater.
Father- Well son, I need to make sure no one identifies me if something goes wrong.
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Lady over the phone: Doctor, what can I do? My little boy has swallowed my pen?
Doctor: Use a pencil till I come.
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Once a patient went to a doctor with a burnt ear.
Doctor: What happened!
Patient: I will not tell u, you'll laugh.
Doctor: If you will not tell me, how will I give u medicine?
Patient- ok!I was pressing clothes. Once the phone ring I picked the press up and said to the press. Hello!!
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Once a patient comes and says that doctor i can’t say clearly whatever i say say opposite. Than the doctor said ok speak night was dark the dogs were barking stars were twinkling. Then the boy said the stars were barking the dogs were dark and the night were twinkling.
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One time one man’s wife drinks petrol & then started running here & there, so his husband went running to doctor & said doctor my wife has drink petrol & has started running here & there so doctor says that don’t worry when the petrol will be empty she will stop running.
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Once a patient went to a dentist he charged the patient Rs5 after he took out the tooth he charged Rs25 when the patient asked the doctor the reason he said because of your scream the other 4 patients ran away
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Once a man went to a dentist. Dentist checks his teeth and says dentist: there is good news and a bad news man: what is the good news dentist: the good news is that your teeth are perfect. Man: what is the bad news? Dentist: the bad news is that your teeth are so bad that I have to remove all your teeth
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How do you define a hospital?
A hospital is a place where the nurses wake you up to give you sleeping pills.